The Passionate Dreamer

My fellow men and distinct comrades!!!

I do not wish to fight such a meaningless quarrel between any of you! Nor do I want any violence in this distinct matter of sarcasm and trash talk! I say to you my fellow men respect your fellow brother!! I may have stood silent before your very eyes but it doesn't mean you need to do such an unforgivable thing to anyone!! I speak not only for myself but for the others who have befallen victim t your boundless will!!   

Yes I do admit my faults! But this does not mean that you have the right to do such an art capable of breaking ones trust and playing with their emotions! I do believe that instead of using your skills to point out peoples mistakes I suggest you learn to correct them directly!

I may have been insulted by the likes of your well being but I shall stand to honor my spirit! I try so much to understand everyone of you! Really, I do! 

But is this the way you treat people who served you with out question? Is this the thanks people get from helping you with anything? Is this the justice that you seek? Bringing false hope to people just to please your damned souls?! You may have used me once but never again will you hear the likes of me!!!

I say this for the people you have or have not insulted yet! You people make us sick!! You are all an absolute disgrace and we shall no longer be an instrument of your false hope!! We hope you all get judged in the end!!

I don't know what I may have done to upset any of you. But if I've ever sinned against any of you, I'd beg on my knees and beg pardon for all my sins. I try so much to change for my own benefit but you guys just use your pride and take away my chances.

If you are all indeed wise and powerful yourselves, why don't you teach me something I can understand? If you guys are so righteous? Teach me the right path to take so I won't be damned and neither shall you.

I'm not here to impose my anger nor am I here to point fingers, I am just here to make the right solution in peace for myself and the people around me. Sometimes I don't know that the people who I'm close with suffer more than I do. 

I'm totally fed up of your comments that lead to nowhere! I'm fed up of having anger in this heart that is completely destroying me bit by bit. Yet I try to smile as if nothing was wrong. Its like a venom that is slowly killing me softly as I try to ease every inch of this pain! 

You don't know what its like that every move you make in life the more painful it gets. You can't help but scream to your lungs and say

"I give up!! I give up!! Its over, I'm done!!"

But I still say, "No,..I'll keep moving forward even if the pain gets worse." Sometimes, I would like to say,

"I love the world!" But how can I? I've tried to look at the bright side to see every inch of hope left but let's face it reality bites,
I agree and each day becomes a burden as life gives you your own cross.

I wish I could smile the same way everyone does. I wish to feel the same joys as everyone feels. and most importantly I wish that I were the same person I once were...

But I'm afraid all is lost and there is nothing else I could do about it.. but at some point I want to keep holding on cause I know some people are waiting to see me soon, I wish to be there for them even in the midst of the darkness I face. 

You guys just don't know what its like to feel so empty and have no purpose to move on!! I'm not saying that I'm the only one who has this problem but everyone else does!

And soon as you walk along your own road to dream, you would find your own persecutors and the people you would see around you could happen to be the people you've helped, your hero, and some people you became friends with.  Spitting at you with all the insults and false stories as if they know you for who you really are! 

I think I know how everyone feels when you have someone you look up to turn out to be the ones who entirely hate you..

Oh how I wish you guys won't end up in my shoes, but alas I shall carry on your useless burden of deceit!

And I end up crucified by your own words that will immediately kill me in the end. All I ask of each and everyone of you is to pardon me for my unexplainable behavior and understand. If I have done something wrong, I am sorry.. please tell me frankly, I'll take the blow even if its flat on my face!

And I wish that most of you have a clear conscience for what you do on to your brother, shall be done on to you.....

I speak for all who had gone through the same fate I did, please stand up and walk on! There are more to things in life than pain and I wish to forget this certain event in peace.... :)

I know this doesn't make sense to any of you and I know some would be laughing at what I say because they don't understand. But in a way, I wish that you all find the true meaning of what I say....please have a sense of intellect and piece of mind that not all people are the same. We are all different in our very little way and be careful of who you pic your fights with! Not all people could be as merciful as you think they are....

God Bless!
  

T.O.L!! :) How are you guys!! :) Say I'm having an open house this October 31st!!! I want you guys to hang around with me :) Its been a long time and I wanna see you guys around! :) Please reply if interested!! :)

I mark this day as the start of making my vow of silence! I shall never speak to my parents nor my brothers or sisters until my day of redemption! I shall hold this truce by blood, spirit, and heart. I shall never speak until I am redeemed of my noble spirit for all times sake!!

Its been a while since I've written my thoughts in this blog. Oh it brings back so much memories! XD Anyway, I've been too busy lately since my last movie made last term. Now I've got a lot of outside projects to do as I go forward to ending my college life.

I've been in the road I've always wanted, I've made a title for myself and formed my own production group. Well I guess I've made it to my own goal for now but sad to say, I'm not satisfied of what I did. T_T

I feel like I have something more to do than just make indie films. I wanna take my chances in the bigger leagues! As of now I'm working on a new project that I find very astonishing. Thanks to my part time classes for the paranormal and thee occult. I'm proud to say that I've achieved higher learning of my other skills as well. But its not enough that I learn about it, I still have to acquire Parapsychology in order to succeed.

Including my new found Philosophy, I'm proud to say that I'm getting somewhere. But the bad part about me right now is I ask too many questions. I used to be ignorant at every point in time but right now, I can't say that I am too ignorant. 

Why? Because I became open to a lot of stuff and it makes me doubt of my personality as well. It seems I am somehow challenged by God to stand up and have faith in the people I've trusted before. However, its not like me to be afraid. I am wondering why I suddenly fear somethings that I shouldn't be afraid off.

Like, Why did I have friends? How did I have friends? Could they be trusted with my secrets? Would they last or are they just using me? And finally, Were the friends I've made in High school real or not?

I somehow question this basic essence of humanity that had awakened me from my sleep for a very long time. Together with this were my feelings of hate and loneliness that had been buried deep within my heart.

I keep asking why. I don't know why I was this curious and in a long while. But why now? Why am I feeling these emotions? Why do I feel angry when I remember them? Have I not forgiven my past? Hm... this really makes me wonder if I was good enough as a man.

Please help me, you guys know me better than this. Tell me my mistakes that I may somehow change them with you before the time comes.

This is one photo that I will admire for the rest of my days as an ABMA student!!! :) Thanks for the post Sir Elvert!! :) This was me during my successful defense last term and finally the pictures are here :) Man we scared the panelists out of their socks on this defense day!!! :) 

This is one of the biggest designs that I ever came up with this year and I would say the parts I used to make this thing are so expensive!!! It took me 6 months to get it right and of course with some help from my friends.
O_O

By the way this Battle AXE was made by me especially with the technicals inside it.(It has a built-in sound system XD Shhhshs!!!! >:3) Its name is "Mjolnir". :) It looks small in this picture but when you see it in real life its 2 times bigger than me and its weight is about 150-200 lbs. If there are people that I know that could lift the axe with one hand. It would be me and Shoichi Iina (My Aibou and sempai at present :) ) 

Anyway watch out for the upcoming mecha movie that is to be developed this year by me and my crew!!! Wish us luck dudes!!! :)

Anyway details:

Venue: Room 409, Asia Pacific College
Photographer: Mr. Elvert Bañares
Project Name: Project G
Team Leader/ Director/ Concept Artist/ 2D and 3D Animator : Joshua Ravelas
Team Adviser/ Assistant Director/ Secretary/ 3D Animator: Kim Bravo (My Aibou in this sequel)




Note:

My sample works of the film and artwork will be posted at our official website so stay tuned you guys!!! :)

I plan to celebrate my 19th birthday this Friday or Sat. with my old homies. If you guys are free this friday tell me so that I can move it this Sat. This gimmick starts at 1:00pm-Onwards.

I plan to watch a movie, play bowling or even just hang around somwhere,your call you guys. Its my treat and I wanna hang-out cause I haven't seen any of you guys in a while so just tell me and hear me out :)! Here are the possible venues:

A) ATC (Alabang Town Center)

B) Festival Mall

C) Glorrietta/PowerPlant Mall; Rockwell

Your call you guys!!! :)

Please reply thanks! :)

-Joshua Ravelas

At this moment in time, I wish to say this post as a pledge to close my doors of teaching Gung-Fu because I feel that I need to learn more as a student than a Sifu at this point in time. :(

One factor why I'm giving up teaching Gung-Fu is that I want to rest from teaching others. Its not that I want to gain more students anymore or I am closing options for physically bullied people to defend themselves. I want to find my center to become a better Sifu for other people who mostly need my help. 

My doors are wide open to those who still wish to learn Gung-Fu however, I shall teach Gung-Fu again when I return from my journey to attain a new purpose, reason, and level of understanding to improve my level of Gung-Fu.

I say this to my beloved students before, now, and those yet to come that I will come back and teach Gung-Fu again. When I return, I promise that I will teach and make a better method of understanding my art.

To Andy, Syrah, Kenny, Lance, and Rowell.

Before I embark on my journey, I would like to say that you hold the knoweledge of my art from begining to end and I just want to say that you guys have used it well. Focus on your disipline as my students and carry on the bloodline of this art. 

For it will soon rise again once I've reached the highest level of understanding. Practice every single day as if it were your last. :) I've enjoyed teaching you all and I hope that my legacy will be spread through the next generation. Teach them the values of the education I gave you and use it. This is my last request.

I shall return, I promise :)

For now farewell my friends till our next meeting :)

Thank you for understanding my stand :)

Yours truly,

Joshua Ravelas :)

Darnit!!! I really hate my sister!!!! She's so insensitive too you know?! I really hate her for being so, I don't know. Uhg!!!!! So narrow minded and so short tempered!!! She's not even aware of what she did, yet she explodes like a huge volcano of shite!!!!

Its a good thing I found a way to control my rage cause frankly I'd like to kill her right now!!!! I hate people who make big fusses about so simple stuff!!! They are so, so, sensitive that I can't even control myself much. If this comes out again or carries on for the rest of the week. I'm totally going to quack and kill someone!!!! I swear!!! I'll kill anyone who stands in my way!!!!!



The worst part is that she never gives me the respect that I deserve, its her fault not mine!!! Not that I blame her or anything!!! I want to get a life!!!!

I'm so fed up of keeping this rage and having to much patience on people. It starts to hurt like hell, I'm losing control of myself. I gotta stop getting angry, I don't want to be angry but somehow when I try to calm down, I can't!!! Uhg!!!!

I gotta stop this before I go crazy and start hurting people again!!!! T_T I don't want to have this and I don't want these type of situations and I'm sick of holding my rage. If I could have a chance to just forget about it I will. I don't want to fight anyone anymore!!!! This is so nuts!!!! I can't get the point!!! I need to have a heads up. Any tips of calming down stress from your sister?! Please I need some assistance T_T  

Man its been a while since I didn't open up my feelings here. Oh well, I guess there is always a new beginning for everyone right? :)

My Journey between myself and self-discovery have ended. Now I start a new journey after being forgiven by the lord. Now I know my task and I found a new reason to live and fight for my dreams. I don't know why I became religious again despite the fact that I hated being religion in the first place but somehow I found refuge within it.

You know what? It feels good inside that you found out that you were forgiven. I will never forget this day cause this was the day that I saw the light shining on my face and for the first time, I felt like a child laughing through these days and I will continue to smile. :)


I guess, I was revived and to be exact, I've been through a lot of bullshit that almost killed me!! But none of that matters now, now that I found my wings to fly. I feel like walking on air and soaring through the sky because somehow I'm close to finding the meaning of my life and I hope to live it well with this second life that I have.

I can't believe that they were right about me. There is still a lot of fight left in me and its waiting to come out!! :) I for one would like to stay like this you know. :) I've never been this happy in my entire life time. I hope things stay the same and I hope I find my way back home. :)

I thought I made the right decision by fixing things for myself. I'm starting to think that everything I've been through was nothing because I felt that I never achieved anything when a point struck me. When I found out a certain truth that I can't bare to believe, I started running, screaming, and beating my heart because I couldn't bare the pain of my own loss.

I guess things always change even the ones you hold so dear. As much as I try to wipe the tears of my own sorrow, I have to keep trying to be strong for myself. But the problem is that I can't bare to grieve, grieve because I lost something precious to me. I lost the only wings that brought my joy into life.

I don't want to hurt anymore!! I don't want to hate!!! If only there was a way to erase my memories, I'd take it!! I don't want to remember anything!!! If God would be so kind to erase my emotions and lock my heart away, I would gladly ask him this favor. I don't wanna hurt nor do I want to run.

I want to live in peace, I long to be happy, I don't want to return to the past. I want to change it for the better!!!
But how can I ? When I know things are wrong.....

Why? Why? Why must my heart ache like this?! I don't deserve this!! Not when I came so close to full fill  my promise to change!!! Please take my heart away!!!! Take it away for my sake!!! I don't need it anymore!!! Please.....end my sorrow.... My GOD PLEASE FOR MY SAKE!!!! 

From this day forward I won't be using this acct. ^_^ Please add my new account : )!! My new account name is GRIDMACH1 Please add me up thanks ^_^

My subject seems to be a lil dull but I think its enough to prove my point. I do admit something before I open this load of crap up! Ok here I go, I admit that this year was a complete failure! I wasn't able to accomplish a lot of stuff, I had a lot of bad days and I got myself wet under the pouring rain with loads of people saying I'm trash behind my back and people suddenly looked down on me.

Its just like saying "Your a load of shit you don't belong here!!! or You don't deserve to be called an artist!!! Don't  ever take multimedia arts your big disappointment as always!!!"

Honestly, I felt like shit on open water!!! When I fell flat on my face and my computer broke down on me and caused all my expectations to go down and my only chance to redeem myself was back to zero again.

(Kinda sucks really when you weren't able to meet up to peoples expectations and they say bad things behind your back.) It may hurt but as always there is no one to blame but yourself!!!

Come to think of it wasn't an entire failure cause I was able to give hope to people!! (Thats what I always do!!! Thats the Josh I know!! ^_^) I didn't even think that I'd bring inspiration to people one person was able to tell me that and I never thought that it would be Ms. Lourdes.

She told me that if I were a disappointment would I ever change people? or even help them? I guess I wasn't just fool after all. ^_^ I think I was the one who made my problems worse but no more!!! I'd be true now!!!

But enough about that, now back to the subject.

Everything in life changes and heaven knows we could never stop it. No matter how strong or how smart we get or even how hard we tried.

Sometimes we even wish that we could freeze time and make the moments last. May it make it be a kiss or a mess we could never go back. Even a million tears could never cover the pains of these memories that we try to relive and forget.

The memories would always stay for the heart is like an open book where write your deepest and darkest secrets in life.

The only difference between the heart and the book is that when you make a mistake you regret the mistake.
As for the book you could erase the mistake and change it. If life were that easy would we ever see the true beauty that lies within its mysteries?! My friends there are no shortcuts to happiness, we all need to change for the better. 

In this insight I saw a different side of life in the eyes of 7 people. I then realized what life truly meant as a human being and as a man. It really opened my heart to new possibilities and for the record I finally felt human once more (Figuratively speaking). Honestly I haven't felt human for about five or six years!!! (This is no joke!! and don't even try to think about it cause its a lonely road to walk on, I assure you. O_O)

It hurts deep inside, but there is one thing that we could always do to ease that pain. And thats to smile and forget about it!!! When you've done your best, treat yourself and if thats not enough be with your friends and family and always remind yourself to smile!! ^_^

Cause you just have to look at the bright side of life. No matter how big your sin is, No matter how pathetic your efforts are that time always remember that you've done your best and let it be your drive to keep up with changes in relationships, people and mostly yourself.  

Thats one thing I've forgotten, I forgot what it was like to laugh and smile at my mistakes cause I was too naive and serious when I faced them!!!

And here is a another thing to think about, to ease that pain why don't we help others instead? Cause it better see a pretty smile than a broken frown. ^_^

Helping them could also encourage you to change and that became my turning point in life. Don't live by the people but for the people around you. I hope you guys learned something and I hope that I made at least one of you smile. Till then....    

This my friends is the end ^_^ The end of this year and another chapter of our lives closed.  I want to post my New Year's Resolution in a advanced day from new years eve. Ok I know I'm not the same guy as I once was but I know that I'll make things better this year! ^_^ Here is my tribute to my dear buddies where ever they may be!!

Hey Guys!! :) ,

This was one of the best times of my life!! It been an adventure meeting and getting to know people around and I'd say thanks and sorry for things I may have done and should have done. Now that I see that we could forgive people and mostly forgive ourselves for the trouble. Honestly sometimes I wander shamelessly and foolishly in the past that sometimes I forget that I could change my future. I had a foolish heart in my midst that I tend to lie about things that shouldn't be cause I was afraid people would see my scars.

I'm ashamed of my scars!! True all the lies the beatings and the whippings of my own heart but now that I know how to be a man!!  I now stand up and show my scars!!! For this is the day where I don't hold back anything!!! I'm gonna train for myself and for the people who once stood up for me!!! I will let God judge me!!!

Forever more I stand up!!! No matter the cause!!

(Well from this personal speech I bet you guys are bored from hearing all this crap!! XD So I'll just go to the list I've made ^_^ Thanks for your friendship guys!! ^_^ *hugs*)

New Years Resolution!!:

1. In God I trust now and I'd seal my lips!! ^_^ (I'll go to mass every time! Clamp my big mouth!! ^_^)

2. I'd Go on retreat!! ^_^ (I need to fix myself badly!!! I must humble myself...T_T)

3. I'd Do my best and make the best of what I have!! (I've been too hard on myself but never enjoyed it! Thats why I fall flat on my face.T_T I won't hold back!!! ^_^)

4. I'd Fix my Port Folio and Get Hired!!! (Summer is approaching!! I Need Cash XD)

5. My New Computer fixed. (I miss my Ellie!! T_T *sobs* Fingers crossed!!! Get a Mac I'm sick of this desktop!!)

6. My New Battle Armor to be tested ^_^!!! (I've been working on this for a while!! Its Cosplay Time!!)

7. Meet my new nephew!!! (He's my cousins son!! XD)

8. Get a Motorbike!!!, Ok  (Its so cool a CBR6 with 1200c!!!! XD Sweet Ride!!! But I think my parents would like it better if it were a car. Not!! XP)

9. Looking for Adventure!!! (I'd like to see the world!!! Hike mountains!!! Go to the Temples of China!!! I'd like to come home to Kowloon!!! XD Its peaceful there or maybe go back to California!!! XD)

10. Romance?! XD (L.O.L AS IF !!! XD I gotta lay down on the hot chicks for a while. T_T Lets see some hot guys!! (joke!! XD) Maybe I'd find one along the way, it would be better really! ^_^ Its an adventure that I will venture into, soon, I mean. Well hello children welcome to dating!!! XD Hopefully I don't make Home Runs though!! XD)

11. Forgive and Forget. (Ah the one thing I'd never do and afraid to do!!! Well I hope to do it this time!!^_^)

12. Be happy!!! ( I never smiled this year and I thought of the bad stuff. So what who cares about what people say, we could be happy anytime!!! Lets Party!!!! :))

I walk by day, I ride by night as I run away from my forgotten life.
Hoping, praying that I would end my sorrows and be avenged to ride by his side.

Along his lonely path of empty doubt, I found myself in  sorrows mouth.
caught in the rain of my sadness not knowing anything along my way.

"Have mercy I beg thee take me away, I long to end my days!!!
Must I live with no other purpose?! I beg to end my road of shame!!!

What must I do redeem myself?! I am alone.... I have no one else to turn to, I
cannot prolong my agony any further!!! I must die with my shame!!"

"Child of mine wipe your tears..." said a young voice.

"I am always by your side by the wind in which you ride. Go now and redeem yourself!!
Only then may you turn to me and release yourself turn to the road my son and may you be set free!!!"

With these words I felt and angel touched me when I was kneeling in pain.
She watched over me as I heard her every word.

As I stood up to seek the world, I take my bike and road off to face my fear as I wiped my tears.
To ease the pain of heartache and blood for my only fate lies in God.

In my fathers wings I ride with the wind and followed the road.
Only then will I remember my broken oath.

I ask nothing more in life, I've done enough as of the moment, Honestly I'm scared of what may happen to me in the next few days. I need to bring my honor and courage back to the way it has been. I need faith, I need to be strong and I've got to move on!! I need you guys to pray for me please, this may sound absurd but its the truth!! I'm scared of the things happening around me. I need guidance cause it appears that I have lost my way around my life... 

I ask to bring only my faith and courage back. I'd ask for nothing more than that. I've got to be strong no matter what happens. I surrender!!! I don't want revenge anymore!!! I give up!!! No more fighting! No more sadness and mostly I'd like to have my friend back again!!!

I'd give up everything to bring that person back!! I never wanted any of this to happen and I know I've hurt God in the process. I've been disobedient, cruel, and most unlikely a different person than what I truly am!!

I just can't say I'm sorry about it. Certain changes came over me that I didn't anticipate nor did I have wit. I need my strength to pick up and face whatever it was that I've lost.

I used to have so much good in me that I never knew I had. I had true friends to say things to me, I just wish I'd have that friend back!! I'll never be the same, I know that but if its for the better I'd do it!!

I don't care anymore about the stupid balance!! I need my strength back!!! I long to redeem myself, I will have my chance. I need one last chance to prove my worth. 

I'm sure that's what my folks wanted, I'm sure that it was her choice as well. I never wanted it to be this way!! I need more time that's what I ask...

If you are listening to me I'd like to make things right, I need another chance!!! I'll do anything to ease my restlessness. I'm sure that it would best. I'd rather be forgiven than forsaken... Please lend me your prayers!!!!

That is all I ask my friends....

Lately I've been feeling empty inside and I don't even know why T_T I've done everything possible like fix my schedules doing my chores and even training on my own! Sadly it wasn't enough, man I just wish there would be some other way I'd be whole again. Cause I've been thinking of what I'll be doing next after this term. Should I take a break from school? Should I try and stop first and look for a suitable Job? or should I just leave town and head west? O_O 

I've been thinking a lot about this, my quest for the answers lie in another place a little far from my own. Hmm... I wonder what makes people empty somehow...is it their purpose?....their desire to do something great?...or is it just them hindering themselves from their own true happiness? 

Its quite confusing though when you think about it but yet again people are ignorant. 

Honestly I wanna find it out myself, I wanna find a certain place where I can free of my ignorant thoughts. I wanna take a ride going somewhere. Maybe I'd go to Boracay, Subic, or anyother place in the map around my own backyard. I haven't been through my backyard in a while but I guess I'm just looking for adventure. ^_^

The long road is tough, I know about that but somehow I think I'll find my answers there. Somewhere down the road I know that people go on their seperate ways but at every end of it you'd find yourself in the beginning as always.

So I guess going on an adventure would be fun and maybe it would keep me away from being restless and maybe become my turning points in life. Its clean slate for me and I guess this is what I desire in life. ^_^

My home is the world and I love it. ^_^


 

 

I took a 4 day trip away from certain things like school, work, and stress. I took this to try and find my center away from everything cause I've been sick lately. I've been sick of who I am, I've been sick of what people say about me, and worst of all I'm sick of getting hurt even if I don't do stuff to people. T_T

It made me so mad that I took everything so harshly upon myself. I mostly hear this from Sir Gibet, Paul, and some other few. I tried to reflect why am I being too hard on myself? Is it because I never show people what I feel about them? Is it because I never said anything right? Or is it because I expect a lot from myself?

Well one thing is for certain I am being too hard on myself. Cause being me is being the hardest teacher to myself that in the end I wound up in shame and I'd fall directly flat on my face. I know that its bad enough to share my feelings towards others but sometimes it doesn't help much it just releases pain but never eases pain.

So I spent my time thinking of who I was and who I am. In this trip I spent my first day strolling in the soccer field in Cuenca park where I first one my big game. I sat down, closed my eyes, and looked at the field and I tried to remember the first goals I've shot and the people who cheered me on.  

I could hear the people screaming "GO JOSH!!! GO!!!! TAKE THEM OUT JOSH!!!! GO FOR IT!!!" It was the best experience of my life when I placed my team into victory, it was me who won the game with their help. It was the best play of the season along with my personal coaches and their name was Coach Avery Del Rosario and Ms. Candice Grey.

These were one of the best times that I've won all on my own. I'll never forget that time. Then after the cuenca park I went to the Ayala Alabang Country Club where I first had my victory celebration. I was really filled with energy when we indeed won the tournament. 

That was the last of my career as a soccer player, I just wish that I could play once again. T_T But alas I had to move on for the sake of my family. So after remembering my time as a soccer player, I went to DLSZ the school where I was supposed to go to before I went to Manresa.

When I entered the campus, I went to its soccer field where I first met some friends from the Reyes Swimming Club (RSC) Flying Dolphins in Las Pinas. Those were the times when I competed in the regionals against the Rizal memorial Tiger Sharks and won my silver medal. It came along with my 10 gold medals, 2 silver medals, and one bronze medal. 

It became the highlights of my life stepping into these sports that really defined who I really am. I was never a push over after all, I've been winning every competition I've ever faced and I can even take a hit. But why can't I take a hit with my problems?

I tried to answer that so many times as these days passed but honestly I never came up with an answer. I guess I failed to admit that I was weak from saying the truth that I did need help. I've been pushing people away cause I didn't want them to think I was weak and I never wanted them to see me cry.

After this past year I never cried I just held the tears back cause I know I had to be strong for everything. People don't know how emotional I could be and I could get. The only medium I have to release my anger was the wooden dummy I've built and the weapons and journals that I've been doing.

I also asked myself why I couldn't cry, its a simple question but difficult to answer that one on my own. I still needed another person to describe my personality. So I paid my teacher a visit for some points that they saw in me. My grandfather told me that everything is perfect with me I have the best tactics, the best stances, and the best body that a martial artist has. But if there is one thing I lack its trust.

I found out that I coulnd't trust myself because of my fear, my fear is the strongest thing that blinds me, cause I use the hate in me than following my heart's emotions.

Cause honestly if there is one thing that seprates me and sets me apart from the the past me and the present me is that the past me always felt how the battle should be and he did listen to his heart while the present me doesn't listen to my own heart.

I took my heart out because I was getting hurt of the things I hear, I used to be sensitive I do admit it but now I became numb and selfish. I didn't care about how people felt anymore and I think thats the reason why I fell into the hands of the enemy. Its because I never listen I'm just too stubborn. 

I'm too stubborn to listen too stubborn to care about the world that I really loved. I used to love the world so much that I'd do anything to protect the ones I love but instead my heart became so selffish that instead of protecting them I end up destroying them or even hurting them as if it never meant anything to me.

Things still mean a lot to me now cause now I can feel again and I know I've been away from pain for far too long. I've hidden my scars and now I'm not ashamed of them I'll show them and this time I won't hold back. ^_^

I'll live life as if there were no tom and I'd want to keep my promises this time cause now that I've found out who I really am, I'd like to make it up to things and most importantly claim what is rightfully mine!!     

Cause I'm still young and I'm going to do the best I can to make the world a better place. I'd do it for the sake of the people I've lost along the way and I'd do it for the sake of my comrades, friends, and my famliy!

I won't loose this time, its one thing I've never done before, I've never given up on anything!!!!

I will never forget this journey cause now I have finally found my center.

"I am Joshua Hernandez Ravelas!!!!! If there is nothing I haven't failed to do its not giving up!!!! I have never been known to fail!!! 
I am a KOA!!! I will rise from the ashes of my defeat!!! I swear this upon my oath!!!"

These were the exact words that I've spoken when I entered the final destination of my journey to Avalon. I swore this upon the sacred ground I came from. This place was like no other when I first saw the horizon. It was indeed the perfect place to rest after my crimation.

At the end of my journey I found out the true meaning of life because of the way the wind blows. I'd rather be where the wind takes me. ^_^
And another thing I've realized that I will never be alone because I think I have met a very fine companion through out my journey as well and I hope that this feeling would last far longer than forever. ^_^

"The People we love go away for the strangest reasons that we don't know why not because they never loved us back its because they know that at every end of the road we'd be a family again and thats the best treasure that we call friendship..." - Mashi

This was one quote that I cherish because it reminds me that the people we love never leave our side. Even if they never get to see us everyday. They still live in our hearts thats why its a blessing and I finally know that God loves me cause he knows that one day I'd find him and I'd find my friends again. ^_T (Teary-eyed)

To tell you honestly I miss my friends and I miss my family T_^ but I know that I would see them again one day. I look forward till that day when I am reunited with my friends and my family. 

I'd want to have a home and a family again and thats what I would like to find  when I go to Avalon ^_T I'll keep fighting until the end and thats my trade mark as Joshua Ravelas!!! 

Never Give up!! Tira!!! Tira!!! ^_^ 

Dearest Friends,

Greetings ^_^!!

I Joshua Ravelas (A.K.A. HITMAN) here by invite thee to a social gathering in Barangay Ayala Alabang in honor of my friends and companions. On a lovely trip of both trick or treating and exploration on my side of town.

The meeting place will be in these options so please choose wisely. Choose a time and date as handed down in this message with the activities you would like. Also say if you would come or not. Ok now that the instructions are clear please reply.

Places:

A) ATC
B) Hana's House
C) HITMAN's House ( Josh's House)

Dates and Days:

A) Oct. 31, 2008 (Friday)
B) Nov. 1, 2008 (Sat.)

Time:

A) 1:00pm-onwards
B) 2:00pm-onwards
C) 3:00pm-onwards

Activity: (You can put 2 if you want)

A) Movie Watch
B) Trick or Treat
C) Gala (Explore)

Attendance:

A) I'm IN!!! ^_^
B) I'm Out!!! T_T

So just reply to this and we're good to go haha ^_^ I'll see you soon guys!!! I can't wait to see you all. ^_^

Yours Truly,

Joshua Ravelas
(THE HITMAN)

The hardest price to pay in life is to be free from everything. In my eyes, I long for this day when  I would spread my wings and fly far away. Away from pain and suffering, away from sorrow, and away from the insanity that captivated me long before. Will I ever see the day when I depart happily from sorrow? I thought of this chance but made no difference.

I'm still imprisoned by fear, Can I become stronger than this? I would do anything to recover the things I've lost. Realizing this made me think of the small humanity I still have left deep inside. I don't have enough of that, I wish I still had it but sadly I've traded it for something useless. T_T

The only thing left for me is the dreams I have. I don't know how to bring things back. I guess all I'm trying to do is escape from the realities inside me. I wanted to escape pain so badly that I left my heart in a fictional reality.

I think the best way is to bring back my honor through fighting for my dreams I guess. No more clowning around!!! I wanna wake up from this bad dream and bring me back to reality!!! I guess its time to show my wings and prove my folks wrong!!!

I know that Id don't have enough strength left and I know that they have robbed all the humanity I've got left. But I think now is the time I move out of my place. Its better that way and I hope things turn for the better this the only chance I've got at life.

I choose to be free now and its time I went out on my own, live on my own, and be on my own!!

I am constantly dying of pressure that is cradling me to my grave.  I gave the last  draw and found myself  in pain from head to toe.  My body is ceasing to function as it is right now. I wish that I could get myself back on my feet once more but I can't.  I am trying to finish my destiny as a man that I am.

I want to face all the hardships and never run away!!! I wanna give everything I've got no matter what it takes, I don't care if I hesitate on dying for the sake of being lonely!!!!  I want to fight the demons that shook me to reality and put them to rest!!!

I will not falter and I will never quit!!!!! For I still have one last stand to make up for and its a stand that I will face for myself alone in the end!!!
I do it for the sake of the people who stood up!!! I do it not for the people who have deserted me and ensnared me with pain!!! I am a soldier who fights for his dreams!!!

Like what a man once told me;

"To be successful you have to have dreams and...honor!!!!"

I shall live this dream and fight for it as if it was my last!!!!! I will leave this world when I have accomplished what the lord had made me do and I shall fight ofr that honor of serving in his right hand!!!!

For the greatest battle of my life has already begun!! It will be my last stand!!!!  I say sayonara!!!!!!